How becoming a mom changes your relationship with the world.

Excert from my speaking engagement at Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS) meeting:

I’ll be talking about Chap 5   Globa-Mama from the MOPS book Life on Planet Mom – How becoming a mom changes your relationship with the world.  I’ve read the book – Lisa Bergren breaks down into manageable chunks how each facet of your life changes when you become a mom.  She gives insights as well as some good one-liners.  I loved “family management is a full time job worthy of a college degree.”   I’ll hit the highlights from the book as I’m sure all you busy moms are keeping up with the reading as well!

 I remember some of my first MOPS meetings and some of the speakers who inspired me with their experiences beyond those first years of mothering.  I am here today to hopefully give you some food for thought, perhaps to inspire you as well. I am humbled to be invited here to speak.

 Before I talk about the Globa mama, let me tell you a little bit about me.  I will be married 20 years in June to my college sweetheart.  We have 3 children. My daughter will be 14 next month, my son will be 12 in May and my youngest is 6. Some of you may remember me waddling around here that summer with my 11-½ lb butterball.  That’s 2 in middle school one in elementary.  Next year I’ll have 3 schools to deal with!  In what seems like a lifetime ago, I was a corporate director before leaving to stay home with my kids 9 ½ years ago.

 Within a few months, I was here, attending monthly MOPs meetings and a weekly mothers club in my church.  Within 6 months, I was signed up for committee positions for both! (that gives you some insight into my personality!)  Shortly after I started MOPS, my mother passed away suddenly and these women gave me support.  I marveled at their kindness when they hardly knew me.  And they gave me encouragement and support through my early years of mothering, especially during the trying last days of my pregnancy with the butterball.

 In the book, Lisa Bergren puts in a diagram with expanding circles to represent our relationships with different communities:  our immediate family, our extended family, our friends, our church family, other groups we belong to, our neighborhood, our online community, our nation and the world.

 I think when we have our babies; we are so engrossed in them mostly to the exclusion of everything else.  And rightly so.  They are a miracle – to think that this living, breathing thing came out of my body is still so unbelievable to me. And that it happened 3 times!  Even more so now with a teenager! Besides, there was little time for anything else. Any free time was given to sleep!

 Those first few years, they are so needy and it’s hard really to focus on anything else.  But eventually, they grow and enter preschool and you start to emerge from what the author calls “momnesia,” I called it the “baby fog.”  I think it happened for me around the time they reached 3 years old.  I noticed myself in the mirror and started taking better care of myself.  I was able to do a couple of things, unrelated to taking care of the family.  And as they grew, my circles grew. MOPS, Preschool, play dates, park days, library reading programs.  Each time meeting new people.

 Fortunately I didn’t have to go back to work and could stay home with them, enjoying each day, being actively involved in their lives.  As a “stay-at-home” mom, I became involved in the kids school, the PTA, being a class mom, cub scouts and a religion teacher.  Each time my circles expanded.

 My adult faith journey started in earnest here in MOPS when I joined the new bible study group and continued with it for several years. Then I started a spiritual book club – an offshoot of my weekly mothers club and we’ve been meeting now for over 5 years. Now, this small weekly group has become very important to me.  While some members have come and gone, the core group remains; we’re committed to our faith and to each other.

 I think back and I’ve always been an “involved” type of person, back in college I was active in community service and fundraising for charities and in Student Government.

 As I mentioned next year, my daughter will start high school and my circles will grow again.  And I expect that they continue to grow as I grow and mature.  Each chapter in my life has added people to my ever-expanding concentric circles of community.  Some people are only here for a season and some have been attached to me and have been walking beside me down each path.

 Now I’m in the health and wellness industry.  Here again I’ve met so many new people who also have a passion for healthy green living.  I’ve met biochemists, nutritionists, researchers and other activist moms who, like me, want to foster action in others.   I focus on research and education.  There is so much information out there. Most people don’t have the time or energy to go through it all. We are bombarded through all kinds of media what we should buy, use, have. It’s overwhelming.  Most of it is powered by big companies with big advertising budgets, not by the health and welfare of the consumer.  Some of it is untrue; some of it is designed to instill fear.  So many of my family and friends are struggling with health issues. So much suffering.  From cancer to allergies, from miscarriages to Alzheimer’s, I needed to find out answers. I needed to find out causes.  I looked for the science and studies behind them. What can we do, what changes can we make in day-to-day living to alter the course we’re on?  I sift through what’s out there and help educate people. I give people small steps to incorporate into their daily living to improve their quality of life. Small steps taken every day – after about 21 days – create habits.  Giving people knowledge empowers them to make good decisions for themselves, instead of just following great marketing and advertising.  My goal is to help people live healthier lives. 

 So far in the book, you’ve covered how becoming a mom changes you, how it changes your relationship with your husband, your extended families and your friends.  Now let’s delve into how it changes your relationship with your community and the world at large.

 WHO: So who are Globa mama’s? 

 I am, you are, we all are.  Once you become a mom, you are connected to all the mothers every where; who have come before you, are now and who have yet to be.  No matter the language, the time in history or the situation, mothers have a unique common bond.  You feel emotions as through a magnifying glass.  You can empathize with sadness, share in joys.

 Once you become a mom, all relationships and interactions filter through your Mom persona.  Your jobs may come and go, friendships may last only a season but your role as a mother is for a lifetime.  Everything that affects your children has to pass through your vigilant eyes, mind and heart as their ever-loving, ever protective mom.  From the minute they’re born, we are the mama bear – protecting them from all sorts of dangers, we are also the mama duck  – showing them the way through this life, where the pitfall s are. There are lots of evils in this world, but there are also lots of good things, lots to hope for.  You need to show your children how to navigate through them.   We focus on the good, because we know the trials will come. 

 You are instrumental in how your kids fit into this world.  The values you instill in them now, will last a lifetime and impact the next generation, oftentimes 2 generations.  Think about the things you learned from your grandmother.  What we do today will impact tomorrow and beyond.

WHY is it important to be a part of these communities?

 There are 6 billion people on earth and we are all connected.  You can set yourself up in isolation but that can be very lonely. It can bring on despair.  Mothering is tough and we can let our uncertainties and lack of confidence in our mothering skills grow into huge monsters. When we are in touch with others, they recede.  A phone call, a meeting in the park, a MOPS meeting – all gives us confidence that we are not crazy and we are not screwing up our kids for life.  Some therapy may needed, yes, but you do the best you can with what you’ve got and offer the rest up to God. 

 We are social beings and need companionship  – right from the beginning – God made Eve so Adam wouldn’t be alone.  We need other people in our lives to remind us that we are not one-dimensional.  We are not just a mom right now, although that role may take up every waking moment.  You are a multi-faceted gem, a diamond if you will.  Twirl your diamond in the light and you see all the different colors it’s made of.  Now as a mother, you still have all those different colors inside, they just get filtered through your mommy role.  Karol Ladd says in The Power of a Positive Mom: “From the moment children were first introduced into our lives, we became new people – women with a greater purpose, responsibility and significance.”

 This is a fast moving season, believe it or not, one day your children will leave home. One of the most important relationships to nurture during this time is the one with your husband otherwise you’ll be strangers someday.  I’m reading The gift of an ordinary day by Katrina Kennison right now. She also wrote Mitten Strings for God: reflections for moms in a hurry.  (I meant to read that one but I’ve been too busy.)  In this book, she talks about how one son is off to college and the other just started high school.  And she realizes how quickly this season has gone and soon it will be just her and her husband alone in the house. She says “you think the life you have now will last forever.  It doesn’t.  All too quickly seasons change, children grow and move on.”  She notes all the photo albums of well-documented events, birthdays, holidays, piano recitals and little league games. She says “The memories I find myself sifting through the past to find, the ones I’d give anything now to re-live, are the ones that no one ever thought to photograph. The ones that came and went. It’s taken a while but I certainly do it know it now. The most wonderful gift I had, the gift I finally learned to cherish above all else, was the gift of all those perfectly ordinary days.”

 What kind of world did we inherit from our parents?  What are the challenges we’re facing today?  Now think about what our children will have to deal with when they reach adulthood.  This is why I think it’s important that we all do our part as a globa mama!  In the second part of today’s meeting I’m going to share with you some of the things I’ve learned.  We’ll talk more about how to make small changes and have big impact on the world around us.

How do you start?  You probably are part of a much bigger community than you realize.

First let’s talk about coping – sometimes we need a season of neutralty and peace, not listening to the news, numbing yourself with sweet books and magazines and tv.  This is especially true during those first few months of having these precious lives.  We don’t want to think there could be anything evil or ugly to mar these precious moments.  And that’s ok.  Take time to revel in the sights and sounds and the cuteness of every inch of them, see the sweet spot on the top of their head that pulses, the cooing and gurgling sounds making a melodious melody, the baby smell (not the diaper one), the way they curl their fingers around your pinky, watch them sleep and think – oh what an angel God has sent me.

 After a while though, you “emerge from Momnesia.” You have to start thinking beyond tonight’s dinner.  To reach out beyond your family to others your love and care about; to your extended family, to your friends, to the neighborhood, your community and the world beyond.

 Does that mean all of us are going to become major social activists?  No, of course not.  But just being in touch with others, you impact them.  As moms, we have a tremendous sphere of influence.  If you haven’t experience this yet, wait till Johnny comes home with a notice from school about some hot topic and how fast the phone calls start flying.  Moms have a way of getting the word out, and fast.

 God instills a passion in each of us.  We all have different buttons, that when pushed, make us seem like the energizer bunny, full of energy and enthusiasm.  I believe mine is the “create a healthier world for our children” button.  I know the impact I make today serves them well but also the environment and the future of our world – where our children will raise their children and so on.
The author says  ”God calls us to light our torch and hold it high and make others in our community think about what we’re saying, what we believe, what we value, because that’s how we all mature and make the most of our lives. That’s part of what community is, right – rubbing up against each other? Sometimes it’s a smooth rub, sometimes a prickly, scratchy rub.”  Sometimes we’re called to pull people out of their comfort zones.

She talks about as part of an authentic community, we are loved, accepted and supported; but also that we are lovingly challenged.  And that’s what I’m going to do this morning, challenge you to think about your role in the global arena and what impact your mothering is having.

 I don’t want to give the impression that I’m Super Mom or have it all together or anything like that.  Far from it.  Many times I let myself get too involved in something, some responsibility or commitment. I would get overwhelmed, cranky, and I wasn’t doing anything with a happy heart. “If you want a job done right, do it yourself!”  The author recalls a similar conversation with family about busy people on p130.  I would pray – Lord, why am I doing this?  What can I give up?  What don’t you want me to do anymore?  And my fav – Send me a sign that I’m on the right path.  How do I get peace back in my life? Most times he would send the answer through my communities.  Many times it was a conversation with someone that helped me get back on track.

 As a mom, you will no doubt be unpopular with your kids, perhaps even other moms, maybe your mom or grandmom.  Some times you just have to stick to your guns and stand your ground.  Sometimes the current trends send such powerful waves at us, we find it hard to stay standing.  There will be many influences, sometime good, sometimes not so good, vying for our attention and our children’s attention, remember your values, even if it makes you unpopular.

 My kids bring organic snacks to school now. Kids can be so cruel. My daughter has to explain why it’s a better choice. I had an AH HAH moment – One day I looked down at the lunch box I was preparing and saw all prepackage processed foods. And it hit me.  What was I doing?  What was I giving my child to eat???  Was this the healthy source of nutrition they should be getting?  More on this later.

Where do you find authentic communities? 

You have to take action.  Yes, you have to take a step out the front door. Don’t expect the world to knock at your door. You seek them out in various places where you can be yourself, where you learn to trust, where you are willing to be vulnerable.  Sometimes these relationships take time to develop, which can be hard if you move around.  After 5 years, my weekly book club has such a sense of intimacy.  These ladies have my back.  We hold each other accountable but also encourage each other and support one another.  We’re learning and growing together.  We know where each other is in their walk of faith and what we’re struggling with.  When I’m taking the easy way out, I expect them to call me out on it. Set me straight. 

Here are some of the obvious places – once your kids are in school – you know you’ll be meeting lots of moms. If they participate in extra-curriculars like sports, dance or scouts, another circle of moms may appear. 

Your neighborhood is a community whether you want to be an intimate member or not.  If you have to stand at the bus stop with other moms, why not make the most of it.  For anyone who has ever watched Desperate Housewives and gotten past all the extreme over-the-top dramas that take place on this one small block, have you noticed how they work things out?  They talk to each other with openness and honesty.  They support and encourage one another; they help each other face their fears and insecurities. (That’s a redeeming quality about a show that has some not so redeeming qualities!  Look for the good in everything!!)

You may still be working where you develop relationships with coworkers.  This MOPS group as well as anywhere moms congregate – the playground, the pediatrician’s office and your church can be a great place to become an active member of a community.

It’s in our nature to constantly grow.  To learn, to develop, to mature.  Being a member of a community enables you to be yourself, to follow your dreams and to live out your passions.  It gives you opportunities to give back some of the blessings you’ve received.  From helping an elderly neighbor with errands, to cooking for a family in crisis, to helping with building a school playground, you don’t have to be a missionary in a foreign land to make a difference. Some people do it.  I believe someone from this church is on FB chronicling her life in Belize. But Long Island it is for me right now. Giving back what I can, when I can, having an impact on the people I meet.

Another place to link up with people is online.  Through chat rooms, social networking like facebook, twitter and using email.  These can be very helpful when you just physically can’t get out to meet people or can’t get on the phone to talk to people (usually because the phone is a little people magnet). It can be a great way to keep family and friends updated with pictures and cute stories of what’s important in your world right now.

However – some words of caution. It is a virtual world.  You have to be careful not to pretend to be something you’re not. And you need some discipline here girls – or you can get sucked in and spend hours on nothing of value. Set a kitchen timer if this is you!  I remember calling a friend to see if everything was ok b/c I kept seeing Mafia Wars and Farmville posts. It was her husband using her account!   And you need to be careful because emotions and tone of voice do not translate well through the keyboard.  There are many misunderstandings and hurt feelings as a result. 

That being said, I also want to address it in the context of the next generation.  Our kids will grow up with one foot in the virtual world and one hopefully still planted in reality.  You can try to keep them away from electronics as long as possible, but the truth is eventually they will be a part of online community.  Computers are not a passing fad folks. There are different views on this but I believe you need to get on and see what your children are doing online.  

I got onto Facebook last January for several reasons but most importantly I wanted to learn about what this phenomenon was that was taking our society by storm.  I knew it wouldn’t be long before I was going to be bombarded with “when can I get FB?” I wanted to stay one step ahead of what my children will be exposed to. I put off for as long as possible getting a cell phone for my daughter, amidst protests of everyone has a phone; I’m the only one who doesn’t have one.  Finally, this fall I gave in.  At 13 ½ she was given a phone and a facebook account.  My dear girlfriends with older children explained to me how ostracized she was by not being a part of this social world.  She had no way to take part in much of how the girls interact these days. It was a knife to the heart.   So as much as I hated the peer pressure, I acquiesced.  Of course we sat down and set the ground rules.  There is a daily time limit for screen time and now this includes FB.  We don’t say anything about a person – ie “I hate her or she did this.”  We carefully express emotions so as not to damage another person’s identity.  She shouldn’t post anything she wouldn’t want to discuss with her high school principal or college admissions officer.   And she’s not allowed to text during homework time or during meals.   I am her “friend” so I can see everything she posts as well as what kids write back. As her friend, I can keep a not so intrusive eye on what’s going on.

If you haven’t already, at some point you will be faced with the challenges of social media and your children.  Only you can decide what’s best for your kids.

Ok – back to why it’s important to be part of these communities and how we can give back.  As moms, when we hear about issues or bad news, we can think in terms of how does this affect my family?  Do you shrink in fear?  Do you bury your head in the sand?  If I don’t think about it, it’s not real.  Or are you a mini-crusader?  Do you think, “what can I do?”

Sometimes, fear takes hold without our conscious knowing it.  Some days it can all be too much to process.  But don’t let fear immobilize you.  That’s not what God wants for you.  No matter what happens we have to remember God is in control.  Does that mean we should ignore the problems and hope they go away?  That won’t work either.  We are God’s eyes, ears and hands to do his work.

So that leaves mini crusader.  How?  First, stay informed.  Mainstream media has advertisers.  This impacts what you read and see.  That’s just the way it works unfortunately.  So look for other sources of information, preferably ad-free,.  These types of media are not beholden to make any one party look good, they have nothing to gain by skewing information. Look for reliable sources you trust.

Secondly, think realistically about what you can do in this season.  This may not be the time for massive changes in your lifestyle.  Recognize any limitations and work them in.  Down the road, your time and financial constraints may change. 

If it’s important to you, learn the facts, pray over the issue, think about what you have to offer as a solution and then TAKE ACTION.  Nothing ever changes without action.  Sometimes, you have to take a risk and expend the energy.  The rewards though, reach beyond today, into your child’s future.

As your children grow, so does your sphere of influence.  And you can use this influence you acquire with each new activity and acquaintance made, to make a difference in what ever issues are important to you.

One of the most basic things I learned when I stopped working for the corporate world and started working for my family, is that your days will be filled with what you value.  It’s up to you how you fill that time.  What’s important to you?  What choices will you make today?